Maybe?

So - this evening I took a test and well, I think I might be pregnant. It's day 38 of my cycle and apparently I ovulated very late. I tested for days with nothing - no symptoms of a period and thinking there might have been symptoms of a pregnancy, but I didn't know if they were true symptoms or if it was me just thinking that I needed to feel that way since my period was SO late. I say that I might be pregnant because the line is extremely faint (just like it was when I took my first test when pregnant with Hudson) and I won't be sure until in the morning or even a day or two after that.

I have never been so filled with mixed emotions. I am overjoyed at having another child - so overjoyed that I cannot wipe this grin off my face. While I am feeling overly excited I am also feeling guilt and grief over Hudson. How is it that I can allow myself to feel so happy at having another baby when Hudson was not given his chance? Then I feel guilty about feeling guilty because how is that fair to Baby H #2? My head hurts trying to analyze the situation and my stomach fills hollow.

God knows how much John and I want to expand our family with tons (3-4?) of little ones running around - is it time? Will we be able to see a live birth and experience all the new things with this child? Will we be able to keep Hudson's memory alive and remember how special he is while preparing for this baby? I know everyone says they will and I know that NOTHING will replace Hudson, but how do you do it? Will we still grieve over the memories that we will never make with Hudson or will our second child be a replacement for those memories? I am just filled with so many questions and I have no idea where I will go on this journey. I have no idea about anything except that I am so excited to be (maybe) pregnant with our next baby.

Already I have hopes and dreams for this little one - already I have fears that what happened with Hudson will happen to our second child. I know that because of Hudson I will be able to appreciate so much more the time with baby #2. I will be able to cherish each moment and memory more than anyone (expect those like me) can. I also know how much love and prayer there will be surrounding our baby - and us. I know there are people already that are praying for John and I and for us to expand our family like we want and praying that we won't go through heartbreak again.

I also feel guilty that I drank a coke and ate fast food today, but those are the little things and I know that I don't have to be perfect during my pregnancy.

In one week??

Yesterday John and I went to check out the progress of our house and here is what is looks like now - if you remember from last week you will see a HUGE progress!!

Afterwards we went to Chick-Fil-A and there is a woman who is obviously very meticulous with the condiment section. She is a woman after my own heart because I am sure this is what I would do if I had her spot...(and yes of course I took a picture!!)

Happy Father's Day...

...to my amazing husband. John is the most absolutely without a doubt best father of the year. Just ask our dog =). I just wish that Hudson would have been able to know his earthly daddy. Indeed I am a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful husband and our future children are going to be even luckier to have such an amazing dad. Like Mother's Day, Father's Day is another hard day for us and is another huge reminder that Hudson is not here. Of course each day is hard without Hudson, but when days like this happen it's even harder to celebrate without having the one thing that made it possible for you to be honored that day.

Happy Father's Day to all of the other dads out there - to the ones with their children, but even more to those that do not have their children by their side.

Andrea & Matt's Reception

Tonight we went to Andrea and Matt's reception - held here in town. On May 28th they went to Jamaica and got married with both of their parents in attendance and then held a reception for friends and family to attend. It was such a beautiful setting on the marsh and outside at night. Matt and I went to elem/middle/high school together and all four of us (John, Matt, Andrea, and I) went to college together. Andrea and I had a few classes together and we were also both involved in the same circle of Greek life friends. While we were there I ran into a few other friends from high school a college as well and it was a nice time to catch up with their lives.

Naturally - as during all memorable moments as this I started to get a little misty eyed when Matt and his mom had their dance together. I realized that I will never have my first dance with Hudson - not a first dance or any dance with him. I will, however, dance with him when I get to Heaven and see him, but never here on earth. Moments like these are hard to take and it makes you realize even more how hard the death of a child is and the death of your future/dreams with that child.

Andrea & Brittany

Hudson's Grave Marker

Last Thursday I finally want to the memorial gardens where Hudson is buried to pick out a grave marker. Yes - 5 months after the fact I am doing this. Why did it take me so long? I have no idea why. Maybe it's because it's a final step - seeing his name on the bronze marker. My grandfather and great-aunt a buried right near Hudson and seeing their names in bronze just makes it feel so final; like it's the end. Now obviously I know that it is their end on earth; I know that somehow Hudson is not going to miraculously be here again, but it's still something that just feels off.

Today the cemetery sent me a proof with his name and the date on it - they could not fit the full name, but that's okay. Later in the day I went on a test drive with a couple (no, I do not go on test drives often - never really, but I was needed...) and of course the wife was pregnant - due in August. I heard the complaining and the "ready to get him out" comments, answered the "do you have any kids" question (to which I simply stated - yes, my husband and I have a little boy), and all of the other little pregnancy tidbits. I still get so irritated hearing pregnant women complain. I can seriously feel my brain on fire with emotion.

This whole situation has taught me a lot about what to say around strangers and when around others. Never will I complain about things around people I don't know because who knows what they could have been through. Never will I ask strangers if they have any children because of the uncomfortable way it might make them feel. Of course I am comfortable talking about Hudson all day long, but others won't find it that way. I have never been the type of person to do the things mentioned above, but now I make even more of an effort not to.

2nd Annual Henninger Family Vacation

This weekend we went to Myrtle Beach,SC for our 2nd Annual Henninger family vacation! John and I left Friday afternoon and we met up with his parents, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. We immediately checked into our room and loaded it up and then all of us went to Wal-Mart to purchase groceries for the extended weekend. After grocery shopping we went back to the rooms and ordered pizza for dinner. It is always such a fun time for everyone to get together so we had a nice time talking and catching up. Oh and we had to watch the Pittsburgh Penguins game - ugh - ha! No, I am sure I have mentioned that the Henningers are from Pittsburgh, PA, so that correlates to them bleeding black and gold. Not only does this apply to football, but since ALL of the professional teams in Pittsburgh are black and gold it requires you to be a fan of all P-burgh teams. Well, it was a good night because the Penguins pulled it off and WON the Stanley Cup. I was grateful that Detroit did not win and also VERY grateful that I did not have to watch an octopus be thrown onto the ice by the fans. I would have been upset having to watch that.

Soon after the game Rebecca and David joined us on the porch - they came in from Charlotte, NC. After a couple of hours of hanging out we decided that it was bedtime. We had all been traveling all day so we were pretty tired and ready to sleep so that we could wake up fro a fun day! Once John and I REALLY got into our room (earlier we had only dropped off our luggage) we were not to happy to see that our A/C was not working. We called the front desk and it was taken car of in the morning, but unfortunately sleep was not too easy when it was so hot.

Morning came and John, along with Brad and his dad, went to play golf. The rest of us had a lazy beach and pool day. The place we stayed at was a hotel and also had condos, but it had 4 pools, 2 lazy rivers, 5 or 6 hot tubs, and it was right on the beach. The name was Sea Watch and it was such a nice place to relax. My day was spent mostly at the beach. While I was applying my sunscreen and wearing my straw hat I started thinking to myself how I would never wear sunscreen 5 years ago. I was passionate about being in the sun soaking up all of the rays and determined to keep my golden tan year long - yes which meant spending many hours in the tanning bed. It is crazy to think that now I am obsessed with wearing sunscreen and applying it multiple times throughout the day as well as wearing my big hat - which by the way there was this lady there with the CUTEST hat I have ever seen...I drooled over it. After a day in the sun and golf we all went out to dinner for John's mom's (Nikki's) birthday. Her actual birthday is on the 24th, but we had an early celebration. We didn't know if we were going to be able to go because there was a heavy rain mixed with a ton of thunder and lightening. The restaurant we went to was overlooking the ocean and a very nice place to eat - Sea Captains House Restaurant - where they offered land and sea cuisine. Before our table was ready we were able to hang out in the back where it overlooked the beach and there was a man playing music - Jimmy Buffet and that type of stuff. It was a great atmosphere. Next, after dinner, we ventured back to our home for the weekend and spent some time out in the lazy river and the hot tub. It was a nice and relaxing time.

Sunday morning we were supposed to take a big family picture, but instead we made it a beach/pool day. Bec and David headed back home that morning as well. The remainder of the day was spent by the pool and just enjoying time with the family. That night we ate tacos and had the cookie cake we bought for Nikki's birthday. Rebekah and I were going to have the cake say "Happy Birthday Tom's wife" because she referred to me when talking to Gavin (our nephew) as "Uncle John's wife" and I won't let her forget that! Instead we settled for "Happy 50th Birthday Nikki". After cake and ice cream we headed towards the SunCruz Casino boat for a little fun on the gambling boat. We like to play card games and roulette, but we definitely do not take it too seriously. On the boat John saw a guy with a Kappa Sigma shirt and we made friends with him and then found out his girlfriend is an ADPi like me! We took one of our "diamond" pictures and within 5 seconds the security team was there to ask if we were taking pictures. I was allowed to keep my camera (and my picture) and we didn't take anymore pictures inside the boat. Oh and I am sure I will have to mention the fact that I fell and busted my butt walking to the boat - it was actually more of a slipping around and catching myself (twice) and not landing on my butt - it was hilarious.

Monday we woke up and finally took a family picture in our white shirts and jeans on the beach. We then proceeded to gather all of our things together and check out of our rooms. After saying goodbye to everyone John and I ventured to Surfside beach and met up with a couple that we met on our honeymoon - Brent and Jamie for lunch. It was great to see them after two years and it was as if no time had passed. After our visit we headed back home.




On the way we stopped to see the progress on our house and we took a few pictures of it!!


Once we got home within 1 minute my parents asked us if we wanted to go on a 7-day cruise to the Caribbean. Apparently everyone in the family is going and John was able to get off work - so we are going!! As of today we are all booked! Last night we also went to meet up with two of my very close friends and their husbands - we went to Wild Wings!

Cindy/Craig (John & I) Melissa/Jonathon

So, with all of the fun and excitement I had this weekend I also had a few moments of reflection about Hudson. I kept thinking to myself that if things had gone as planned that Hudson would have been almost 3 months old during this trip. Instead of hanging out at the pool and beach all day I would have been on nap and feeding schedules. Instead of late nights with everyone and going to the casino boat I would have had to first make arrangements for Hudson. This was supposed to be Hudson's first trip to the beach, his first time really getting to hang out with his cousin Gavin and his trip Henninger family vacation. Today marks the 5th month that we have been going through our grief of losing Hudson. Has dealing with the grief gotten any easier? Yes, a little, but everyday there are new situations that open up the deep and heavy heart that John and have. The more I watch parents with their children each day and the way they treat their little ones the more I want to scream at them that they should count their blessing because I would in one instant trade places with them.

Hunter's Haircut!

Hunter got his summer haircut! He LOVES it =)

Warning

Tonight John and I went out to eat. In the bar area of the restaurant there was the normal sign that hangs in all bars - "WARNING - consumption of alcohol by pregnant women may cause birth defects". That got the little mouse in my head busy running. Why is it that those that drink get a warning about something happening to their babies? Why wasn't there something out there that could have warned me? Where was my sign - "WARNING - have a perfect pregnancy and you will still lose your child". How is it possible - me, the girl that would not eat deli meat, drink caffeine, etc, and still my child was the one that lost his heartbeat. Why me? Where was my warning?

It still amazes me that there are so many people out there that do not go about the "socially correct" way to have a child and yet I did and still - Hudson is not with us. Why is it that girls that are too young to be having children are popping out babies left and right? How is it that some girls claim to not even know they are pregnant and then go to the hospital and end up having a baby that is healthy and normal? It blows my mind that those girls claim to not know they were pregnant - how could they not feel their little one moving around? What did they think it was - a twitch?

This all just goes to show that no matter how perfect something goes there is still a chance at an unhappy ending. I remember being pregnant with a girl at work and she was always making comments about how easy my pregnancy was going and how hers was kicking her butt. At the time I thought I was the lucky one - not anymore.

This weekend I learned that the hardest and worst type of lose that people go through is that of the loss of a child. I can completely agree with that. For months and even years before you dream about having a child; someone that is apart of you and then in one instant those dreams are shattered and you are forever filled with an empty void of what ifs. It's crazy so many people try everyday to have kids without a thought of being heartbroken. Being heartbroken is the only thing I can think of now when it comes to having another child. John and I have been through that once, but would we be strong enough to go through it again? As badly as we want to have more children it is so hard to not have that thought going through our heads.

Dance Recital

So - last night was my first recital in 9 years. It went very well! My niece also performed in the same recital and I threatened that if she didn't smile on stage I would come out there and spank her little bottom =) My pet peeve is about dancers not smiling and looking like they are having fun. She did great!!

New Kids on the Block

The boys from Boston are back! Thursday night I went to a New Kids on the Block concert with my sister-in-law, her sister and friend. We had such an amazing time! The evening began with dinner and then on to the concert. The Jabbawockeez performed first followed by Jesse McCartney. FINALLY - the main event - NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK! They are just as handsome as ever and they gave an amazing performance. It's funny - 20 years ago these guys were making their start and now they're back together. Where were you when they first started out? I was in 1st grade 20 years ago. The only reason I am a big fan is because I have siblings that are a lot older than me (20 years ago they were 16 and 20) so they were very influential in me liking certain music groups.

Rebekah and I

New Kids on the Block!